Dads promise

My farther has asked me not to attend his funeral. Not as a sign of affection to me so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of it but because he doesn't want my brothers and sisters to see me or to know that I exist. He dosen't want his memory to be tainted by me. It is not to unlikey that he will die soon because he has cancer, so it makes the situation all the more real. He asked me to promise to never see, have any contact with them, or to ever reveal myself to them. I would be the youngest, nearly 20. He says if they found out about me then his life would be ruined, so he chose his own happyness over mine, he got me to promise never to never to reveal myself to them and I did because I love him to much to destroy his life the way he did mine.
Category Betrayal

advice from Guest3366840 | 07-12-2007 21:42 | E : 4 | S : 1
How very sad and painful for you. I almost cried reading this.

We have no obligations to the dead, only the living -- such as your brothers and sisters who have never known of your existence. What's your obligation to them -- to reveal yourself or not? You have to figure out the right answer for you, not your father.
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advice from Guest3383706 | 07-15-2007 06:47 | E : 3 | S : 0
Dude its not ur problem... He made that choice the day you were created. Do what you want. I wouldnt make the promise coz then you would feel worse if you ever chose to revise that promise. Tell him that its his mistake not yours and that you are not going to deal with the consequences for him. He gave that option up 20 something years ago.
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advice from Guest3392661 | 07-16-2007 10:38 | E : 3 | S : 0
The fact you had this discussion means that you had some level of communication with him so obviously you had some measure of a relationship, I suggest you anonymously send a card to each of his other children with your best wishes and let them know that their father loved each and every one of his children, including the one he was forced to keep secret. Let them seek you out as their half borther/sister. Good luck!
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advice from Guest1084655 | 10-05-2007 04:27 | E : 3 | S : 0
His wife may already know about you. Your 1/2 siblings may not embrace you. That is the situation in my family. the 1/2 siblings do not feel they can have a relationship with this person because it would be like being unfaithful to their mother.
Though, everyone is better off knowing the truth. Is there money involved with an inheritence? Is this why he is keeping you a secret? so you do not get a share in this? I know the money may not be important to you.
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advice from Guest3368973 | 07-13-2007 08:12 | E : 2 | S : 0
I am in your shoes! Do not run away, let yourself be seen. Let them know that you mattered! You are one of them. Do not let that man take that away from you! I don't see my father but i do see my sister. My half brother treated me like it was my fault our father couldn't keep it in his pants, but over time he got to see who the stronger person was. I go on with my head held high, you have done nothing wrong. So don't act like you have!
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advice from Guest3311346 | 07-14-2007 10:06 | E : 2 | S : 0
feel free to reveal yourself, either before or after his death. his facasade will be tainted no matter what to the man who it really matters too, God. the family deserves to know who you are, you don't need to hide, you are who they are. you share the same DNA. none of you may like it but you are all related. embrace your siblings and feel free to move on. if you do it before his death, maybe he could see that you can be happy together and it would clear his conscience and he could die guilt free and happy. best wishes....
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advice from Guest3483156 | 07-29-2007 17:28 | E : 2 | S : 0
they are your family.
you have every right to see and spend time with your family.
don't waste your time caring about a jerk who doesn't want you to be happy.
if he was a real dad, he would want all the happiness for you.

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advice from Guest3366999 | 07-12-2007 22:58 | E : 1 | S : 0
do what you will or wish

what do you want?
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advice from Guest3375917 | 07-13-2007 22:22 | E : 1 | S : 0
wow... thats f_____ up. Your dad is a jerk. You know i've learned that some people are better left in the past. Maybe this is one of those situations?
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advice from Guest3386831 | 07-15-2007 20:20 | E : 1 | S : 0
I don't mean to be too blunt, but his life is over and you've still got a lot of yours to live. True, it would probably be very difficult for his wife and kids to learn about you, but I think one thing you can realize in the death of a parent is just how much family means to you. These people are your family, and they deserve you just as much as you deserve them.
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advice from Guest3605744 | 08-15-2007 11:29 | E : 1 | S : 0
You have no reason to be ashamed of yourself and there's no reason to block out a potential windfall of love from half brothers and sisters, reach out to them and let them decide if they want a relationship or not. Especially now, you'd be another living reminder of your father.
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advice from Guest2788402 | 03-27-2008 21:09 | E : 0 | S : 0
I love you
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