My deepest shame

I hate myself for eating. I overeat at night time. Ok I binge. Not as badly as I used to, but it is still bad. Then I use laxitives and lots of self-punishing exercise to try to 'balance' things out. This is the result of trying to recover from years of strange eating habits. I used to try to only eat (the equivalent of) one meal a day, as well as exercising like an elite athlete. I was also rigorous with my diet. It got to the point that a healthy diet only consisted of fruit and vegies. I mean that. No bread, no milk, no meat, no rice, etc. At one stage I only ate dried fruit. While this kept me slim and looking nice (in my head), it made me very strange as a person. I couldn't concentrate, I was very moody, I withdrew from people, I was always depressed. Now I'm withdrawn, moody and depressed because I hate myself so much for eating. Almost every day I wake up with guilt and terror. Guilt for what I ate yesterday, terror about the new day - what food mistakes will I make today? Eating meals is a terrifying event for me. People ask you to have lunch - I don't eat lunch. It is all the more terrifying because I am trying to establish new eating patterns: must eat breakfast, must eat something during the middle of the day, must have dinner. But everything has to be planned, and I still don't eat big lunch. If lunch is my main meal because I've accepted an invitation, I still want to eat my normal dinner. But I know that I shouldn't because then I've eaten too much and I'll put on weight. I tend to eat most at dinner because I am able to eat privately at home where I can relax and not feel judged for looking fat (stomach expands) after I eat. So it goes on. I hate myself for being so pathetic, for having this problem. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I eat normal amounts of food at regular intervals the way other people do? I'm really in a panic these days because since I've tried to recover from my eating disorder, I have put on weight. I've gone from being a size 6 Australian to being a size 10/12 - which is a bigger cut of clothing these days. I know this, so I'm actually as fat as I was in highschool. I hate this, I hate this about myself. I tried so hard to lose weight after highschool, it was my greatest personal triumph. Now I'm 10 years older than then, but I can't accept being a woman with a woman's body. I don't think I'm beautiful or sexy or great or anything. I often think about killing myself. Very often.
Category General Confession

advice from Guest2541483 | 03-11-2007 08:14 | E : 5 | S : 0
I want to tell you that you are beautiful and please do not punish yourself anymore. I have been in your shoes and only at 37 years old have I started to find the joy in life. I still think about food all the time but oh do I take solice in the fresh air, the blue sky and the warm sun. I can be at peace on my biycle. Find somewhere you can be at peace and go there as often as you can. Free yourself.
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advice from Guest2570713 | 03-15-2007 15:24 | E : 0 | S : 0
PLEASE GET THE HELP YOU NEED YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT FEELS LIKE THIS THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE LOVE UR SELF THE MIRROR DOES NOT SHOW U THE TRUE U INSIDE IT AN IMAGE ..YOUR BEUATIFUL THE WAY U ARE BELIEVE IT...
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advice from Guest2696846 | 03-28-2007 19:07 | E : 0 | S : 0
The problem with eating disorders is that they completely F___ with your mind. I got depressed and went from a size 10 (american) to a size 2 in a year. I was lying to myself and to my friends about being anorexic. No one even tried to help me or tell me that they thought I had a problem, so I kept thinking that I was fat. Every time I looked in the mirror I would see more "fat" even though my hip bones were sticking out. I only ate yogurt in the morning to start my metabolism and then i would drink starbucks the rest of the day. I would count a handful of m&m's as a meal and then hate myself and go to the gym to burn 500 calories even though that was more than my entire daily intake. (no this is NOT a good idea-don't even try it). I try to eat healthy now and I work out regularly but you have to realize that it's all in your mind. You have to accept your body as it is, and realize that there's always another day to make it better. Don't starve yourself because the next time you eat, your body will store all of that food as fat cells since it doesn't know when you will feed it again. Go to the gym a lot ( I go 4-5 times a week for cardio and weight training) but also eat your protein and healthy meals. That will keep you from feeling fat because you are using the food your body takes in, as fuel for your workouts. So its not storing itself as body fat. Don't hate yourself, just make it better. You CAN do it. I still struggle with wanting to revert back to anorexia whenever I am having a "fat day" but then I look in the mirror & focus on my lean musclar back and arms, instead of looking at how "huge" my thighs are. Seriously, I wear a damn size 2, how huge can I be? I have a smaller ass than most of the 15 year old highschoolers I see, and I'm 23 years old. I just have to keep reminding myself that, and stay healthy, eating, and exercizing.
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advice from Guest2711580 | 03-30-2007 08:45 | E : 0 | S : 0
Hello, I have had the same problem for sometime in my life. The issue isn't the food at all, its the need to feel beautiful, loved, and accepted. Its a cycle, the more you eat the more you feel less beautiful which leads to more eating. First I would try eating less tasty food, I know that sounds silly but something about the lavishness of food consoles the heart. Next I would try hanging out with friends more and staying involved; but whatever you do don't skip meals because that will make you hungrier later. Lastly quit feeling sorry for yourself, you are completely worthy of love and deserve to be loved. You're is not dependent on other people and in my opinion not completely dependent on yourself. You are wonderfully made, capable of giving and recieving love, which make you and lovely and extravagant creature.
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advice from Guest2756177 | 04-03-2007 21:55 | E : 0 | S : 0
I feel the same way. I am an American size 2 and still hate the way I look. I wish I was smaller still. I thought I would be happy at this weight but I'm not. My husband doesn't even know, or least doesn't say anything. I'm glad I'm not alone.
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advice from Guest2771667 | 04-05-2007 05:14 | E : 0 | S : 0
you are not alone. i hate myself. only 14, have been suffering for four years about my eating habits. 115 lbs + 5'6. constantly starving, purging, hating. i want you to get better, because for me, it isn't happening, + i don't want you to keep living in the shame of yesterday.
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advice from Guest2762010 | 04-05-2007 08:16 | E : 0 | S : 0
hey it dont matter if you are fat or skinny. u need to enjoy your life as much as u can because life is short honey and it only comes once. okay. dont worry about ur life gurl just be patient and exercise and u will be okay. dont ever try to be bolemic or anerexia okay because that is not the way to go.
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advice from Guest3376057 | 07-13-2007 22:55 | E : 0 | S : 0
Eating disorders are tough, and very complex. I've had an eating disorder for four years now (I am 17), and my mind is constantly wavering and spinning. I am doing much better now (as a result from four inpatient treatment facilities), but I still struggle immensely with body image. This is supposedly the "last thing to go". My advice to you would be to start recording everything you eat. Make a food journal...and don't be ashamed. If you bige, WRITE IT DOWN! If you use laxatives, WRITE IT DOWN! Hold yourself accountable. It's harder to binge or starve if you know that it will be on paper. I also suggest you get a nutritionist. Hopefully you have insurance that will cover part of the expenses. My nutrionist helped me to cope with gaining 25 pounds over the past year (I was quite emaciated).

Good luck. It's very tough, but try to love your body. Our society is so skewed, so disordered in general. I'm trying to break free. I know I will, and if you believe, you will too.
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advice from Guest828409 | 08-30-2007 13:04 | E : 0 | S : 0
omg . when i read this i nearly cryed. what you have written down is my life. im so ashamed for it, but i can't seem to stop. i just wanted to let you know that what you feel is how i feel everyday of my life.
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advice from Guest907849 | 09-09-2007 23:56 | E : 0 | S : 0
Please don't punish yourself anymore. Society is disgusting in the way it forces an unnatural body image on us. Everyone knows that men prefer real ladies with curves.
Don't concentrate on your outside. Find some place you can go to feel peaceful, or go out somewhere really fun. Just enjoy life as much as you can, cos we only have it once.
Please go to see a professional about your suicidal feelings. No-one deserves to hurt like that.
I hope you get better
xxx
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advice from Guest824085 | 02-28-2007 16:25 | E : 0 | S : 1
Fat or skinny everyone is going to age and change and you are going to wish that you loved yourself more when you were young and vital - which you still are. Don't waste any more time being ashamed of having weight - the stress you are putting on yourself is probably a major factor in your problem.
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advice from Guest2451203 | 02-28-2007 21:23 | E : 0 | S : 1
I've felt the same way, maybe you should go to a support group, it may sound dumb, but i can actually help you with your self confidence, even if you just go and sit in to listen, or maybe a psychiatrist. I wish i had even half of your self control though..
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advice from Guest2454236 | 03-01-2007 23:09 | E : 0 | S : 1
You should not allow food to control your life, I know easier said than done. Food is the one thing you can't live without; unlike drugs and alcohol, it's a necessary vice. You dont have to let it be you end and begin all. Be happy with who you are, and not how you look. Excercise when you think you need it, don't over do it, a good time is when you feel like killing yourself!! And have a candy bar when you think you deserve it, and you DO deserve it.
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advice from Guest2208995 | 03-17-2007 11:04 | E : 0 | S : 1
im a size 3 sometimes 5 american size and i think im fat.
i sometimes only eat crackers for the whole day
i dont eat lunch, and rarely eat dinner
i dont want to be anorexic or bulemic though so i say "weekends are my time to eat whatever i want" but then i just feel like a cow on monday and force myself to not eat, i also exercise constally. i hate myself for it but dont know how to change.
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advice from Guest2565273 | 03-14-2007 02:14 | E : 0 | S : 2
I'm seventeen.
Every morning I wake up, and think... jesus christ im fat. I'm a size 10 american.
I cry in the shower and cut myself to ribbons almost daily.
When I eat, I feel incredibly guilty.
Everyone of my friends and family assumed when I went to treatment I overcame bulimia and self-mutilation.
They assumed wrong.
It made me feel more sick knowing it was a sickness.
I'm just better at hiding it.
My heart breaks for you because I know what it's like.
In fact
It's 5:14 am for me.
I'm only up because I couldn't sleep remembering I ate half a pepperoni pizza and 3 mint chocolate brownies for dinner.

It's almost a comfort knowing I'm not alone.
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advice from Guest2491467 | 03-05-2007 15:02 | E : 1 | S : 15
Get over yourself, and do something. Stop being lazy. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

The only reason you are the way you are is because you let it happen, and now hope someone can give you some quick advice to remedy it without moving your own self.

Get off of that idea and work it off.
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